Welcome to Say Nothing, the podcast bringing you a revised serialisation of a novel I wrote and self-published a decade ago. This is the fifteenth chapter of the story and has been recorded using AI and Speechify software.
You can purchase a full copy of the original novel at https://amzn.to/4gAEwnB.
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CHAPTER 15
As the train ground to a halt, Jack failed to be roused from his slumber. In the midst of a dream, he remained still, eyelids flickering rapidly. When the hand touched his shoulder, he jolted awake, eyes surging out of the darkness and filling him with fear. As he recoiled in his chair, the voice did its best to calm him. “It’s ok, it’s ok. I’m sorry. Just wanted to let you know that we’ve arrived.”
It took longer than usual for his eyes to focus and his mind to become alert. Once they did, Jack was flooded with embarrassment. The young woman sitting opposite had fallen back into her own seat, shocked by the reaction of the middle-aged gentleman she had kindly woken. He felt terrible, both physically drained and ashamed at his reaction. She couldn’t have been more than nineteen or twenty years of age. She was wrapped in an eclectic range of colourful clothing, including a thick, crocheted scarf that looked as comfortable as anything he’d seen. “I’m sorry,” his voice crackled. He cleared his throat and continued. “I think I was in a deep sleep and you startled me.”
“I’m sorry,” she replied sheepishly.
“No, no, it’s fine. Please don’t apologise. I appreciate you waking me up. Thank you...” he motioned for her name, and she replied.
“Sarah.”
“Sarah.” Of course. “Thank you, Sarah.” The young girl got up and grabbed her suitcase from the overhead storage rack. As she did, Jack edged to the central aisle, an experience that caused him to expend more energy than one might imagine. Sarah noticed his discomfort.
“Are you ok?”
He sighed heavily, and once more felt hugely embarrassed. “It’s… er…”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to pry,” she countered, defensively.
“Would you mind if… look, I’m sorry to have to ask, but would you mind giving me a hand? I’m kinda, well, stuck.”
She looked confused and was overcome with awkwardness. Though he was doing his very best to abstain from eye contact, Jack felt it necessary to look at her direct. “It’s… it’s my… Have you heard of Parkinson’s Disease?”
Sarah nodded, her awkwardness replaced by a feeling of guilt.
“Sometimes it affects my mobility. I found myself stuck on the sofa for ten minutes the other day!” Jack was trying hard to make light of the situation, but the experience was true. “And if I don’t get up soon, I’ll be on the return journey before you know it. My first trip to Paris - over in minutes.”
Sarah let out a polite laugh and moved her suitcase away from her body, sidled over to Jack, and grabbed his outstretched arm with both hands. It took only a gentle tug to help pull him to his feet. “Thank you,” he said. “And sorry.”
“It’s fine, really. Do you need a hand with your luggage?”
Jack smiled at the young girl standing beside him. The fact she shared the same name as his own daughter added a certain romance to the situation. “That would be great, thank you.” She handed him his bag and took hold of her own case. Perhaps it was because of the similarity with his own daughter, or a sense of obligation over her assistance, but Jack felt that he had to make more of an effort to thank the young girl. Unusually for him, he decided to strike up a conversation. “Is this your first time in Paris?”
“I’ve been a couple of times before,” she began. “But this is the first time I’ve travelled alone. It’s a bit daunting if I’m honest.” The two passengers edged their way to the exit; she carrying her suitcase, and he trying to inject life and responsiveness into his limbs as they stubbornly moved. “Supposed to be meeting up with my boyfriend later today, but he couldn’t make the earlier train. How about you? Are you on holiday or meeting someone?”
“I’m visiting my daughter. Her name is Sarah too, actually. She’s been living here for some time but we’ve not always been in contact. She doesn’t even know I’m coming.” Jack chose not to mention the fact she was in hospital; the last thing he wanted was sympathy or to ruin anyone else’s experience of Paris.
“Aw, that’s nice. It’ll be a good surprise for her. Do you know where you’re heading? I think I’m going to have to kick my heels around the station until his train gets in. Gives me the chance to practice my French though,” she quipped nervously. Jack spotted a sadness in her eyes. He knew the look, as it was the same sadness he saw in the mirror every morning.
As they disembarked, he made a bold decision. “Well, if you like, I could buy you some lunch to say thank you for helping me? Gives you some company until your boyfriend arrives, and perhaps you can help me get my bearings while I wait for my legs to work.” It was an unprecedented gesture from the usually reserved former detective. He himself felt surprised as the words left his mouth. These are the conversations I should’ve had with my own Sarah, he thought. He noticed a look of relief appear on the face of his companion.
“I’d like that,” she replied.
“Excellent. You lead the way, and I’ll catch up in my own time!”
“So, how come you and your daughter don’t really speak?” The frankness of the question made him realise the absurdity of the relationship he had with Sarah. When put to him in such a clear-cut manner, he realised he had no reasonable answer. The young girl sat opposite in this enchanting French brasserie had no qualms about getting direct to the point, the initial nervousness she felt in Jack’s company dissipating as soon as she received her first cup of coffee. “My dad can be a dick, but you just get on with it, don’t you? Still, at least you’re making the effort now, I guess.”
Jack found her maturity and down to Earth nature a welcome relief from the worry he was experiencing of his daughter. Though he was keen to get to her in hospital, he knew that time to compose himself was essential. And, in this Sarah, he had found a companion that was able to make him feel grounded.
As he sat and watched her eat, a dual sense of sadness and joy washed over him. That he was sitting here, in Paris, able to discuss his daughter with one who reminded him so much of her was a beautiful gift he could never have anticipated. Yet, the young woman opposite reminded him of everything he’d missed: seeing Sarah through university; helping her move into her first flat; teaching her to drive; questioning the suitability of her boyfriends. He had missed simply being there to support her. The lunchtime meal he was now enjoying was as bittersweet as they come.
The mobile phone on the table top vibrated. It was Sarah’s mobile, and the look on her face indicated it was bad news. Her face dropped as she took time out from eating to send a response. “Is everything ok,” Jack asked. “I don’t mean to pry.”
“It’s fucking Mark. He’s text to say he’s not coming.” There was little he could say to improve the situation and, having been absent from such events during his daughter’s life, he knew not what to say. All he had to offer were a few basic words of sympathy.
“Oh no, that’s… erm… that’s terrible,” he began, awkwardly. “How come? Has he missed the train?”
“No. He’s just a waste of fucking space,” she looked up, embarrassed about swearing and apologetically raised her hand. “I arranged this trip weeks ago and now he tells me he has ‘a thing’. What the fuck is ‘a thing’? I’m done. Really. I can’t keep wasting my time with him.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Christ knows. I may as well head home. Need to try and get a refund from the hotel.” She let out an anguished – albeit muffled – scream of rage. “God. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing such losers?” Sarah slammed her phone down onto the table and took off her glasses so that she could rub her eyes. Jack could read that she was holding back tears. He wanted to reach over and reassure her that this wasn’t her fault, and act as a calming influence, but he was well aware of how inappropriate it was to approach an individual he had only just met.
“It’s going to be ok,” he said. These were the words he himself always needed to hear in times of adversity. “Look, I can come with you to help secure your refund if you want?”
“No. No, it’s fine. You need to get off to see your daughter anyway. I think I’m just going to have a walk around and will head over to the hotel. Fuck it, I’ve paid for these couple of days away, so I’m going to enjoy them. He can do his ‘thing’ as much as he likes.”
Jack was surprised by this sudden turn around. He remembered having his heart broken in his youth, and how the effect of it crushed his spirit for months. Disingenuous or not, the fact she was able to quickly move on in a positive mindset impressed him even more. Everything he had learnt about this young girl indicated the stoicism and determination needed to succeed. Aside from the slight waver when she first read the message, she had remained unimpeachably composed. If she were his daughter, he thought, he would be an exceptionally proud parent.
After paying for lunch, Jack still felt an obligation to ensure the wellbeing of his companion, particularly knowing she was now alone for her time in the city. “Well, if you need anything, I’m going to be around for the next few days. Feel free to give me a call if you need some company. Who knows, my daughter may wish for me just to leave!” He handed her his mobile phone number on a scrap of paper, a number that had taken him some time to write legibly. It was time for him to take his second dose of medication, and he was feeling somewhat uneasy.
“Thanks,” she said politely. “I may well do that. I hope it all goes ok with your daughter today, and that she’s ok.” He was taken aback when she stepped forward and hugged him. It was something he never felt confident doing, and the ease with which she grabbed her new friend as they walked towards the brasserie’s exit startled him.
“I appreciate that, Sarah. Thank you. Just make sure you look after yourself. And call me if you need anything.”
It had been a strange day so far. Since receiving the phone call from Eloise, he had managed to travel to Paris and take lunch with a young student. Now, he realised, it was time to make his way to the hospital. His left arm began to shake more, with the restlessness of his muscles exacerbated by nerves.
Come on, Jack, he thought. You can do this.
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